10 Things Doctors Say - (and what they really mean)

We don’t know how it works, but it works

It suppresses symptoms in the short term, but it may result in your penis dropping off in ten years’ time.

You don’t need it anyway.

We don’t really understand the function of this particular organ.

I’ve been a doctor for 30 years.

I’ve been making the same mistakes for 30 years and nobody else has ever complained.

I’m just going to take a few pictures.

This is the first of a battery of tests.

This drug has no adverse effects.

I seem to have temporarily misplaced my Physician’s Desk Reference.

I’ll be monitoring your progress closely over the next few months.

I need the extra money to pay for my new Bungalow in Runda.

It’s probably caused by a virus.

I don’t know what causes it.

Any responsible parent would do the same.

I vaccinated my child, so what’s your problem?

I’ll be utilising the latest surgical technology.

I’ve been watching one of my colleagues do this procedure for the last month and I’m itching to have a go myself.

Where on earth did you read that?

One of these days I’m going to drop a bomb on those people at What Doctors Don’t Tell You!

10 SITUATIONS WHERE YOU DON’T USUALLY NEED A MEDICAL DOCTOR

1. Backache. Research demonstrates that for most cases of lower back pain, chiropractic or osteopathy works far better than any thing medicine has to offer.

2. Ear ache. In most cases, time, mullein oil, a woolly hat or a hot water bottle works far better than antibiotics in curing ear ache, according to numerous studies.

3. Fever. Fever is your body’s extremely clever method of killing foreign bugs of all varieties and shouldn’t be suppressed. Rather than worrying about the exact degrees, it’s more important to deter mine whether the problem is serious — s ay, meningitis. Fevers for ordinary viral and bacterial infections won’t exceed 105 degrees, which isn’t dangerous.

4. Infection. For common or garden infection s, first try working with a herbalist, who will prescribe Echinacea or Berberis, rather than antibiotic s.

5. Just in case checkups, particularly if you are over 50. If you have nothing blatantly wrong with you, going to a doctor won’t necessarily protect you but is likely to unleash the entire arsenal of his testing apparatus.

6. Menopause. Unless you are among the very small percentage of women who don’t respond to other measures, holistic measures (diet, homeopathy, herbs) will help you through the change in a safer way than any doctor.

7. Chronic but not life - threatening diseases. Eczema, psoriasis, non-life-threatening asthma all respond better to alternative measures than drugs, which only suppress symptoms.

8. Slimming. All a doctor usually has to offer is drugs, and numerous slimming drugs have been found to be life-threatening. Allergies are one of the major causes of over weight, as are calorie-poor slimming diets.

9. Colds and flu. Unless you are elderly and your immune system is compromised in some way, there is nothing your doctor can give you or your child that will improve a cold or flu. Bed rest, plenty of fluids, lemon and honey drinks and homoeopathy help; antibiotics cannot.

10. Acne. Again, all your doctor has is drugs with horrendous side effects to offer you. Try diet and allergy treatment first.